The constant barage of negative media, reality tv, online social interaction means that we need to be proactive in addressing respect in schools.  We see so many people getting paid (reality stars) for creating drama on tv, twitter, facebook etc. that bullying seems to be the new norm for how to interact with each other. It seems that everyone from The Jersey Shore to The Real Housewives of “any city USA” have been promoting that the only way to get to the top is to degreagate everyone in your presence.  Asserting your power whether it be your physical presence or using your social capital to get “one-up” on someone else seems to be the new way to gain status in our communities. Finding a solution begins with defining the many problems associated with bullying in our culture.

BIG PICTURE vs little picture Thinking

My friend and professional speaker Craig Hillier http://www.craighillier.com/ always says,

“Will remember you based on what you did for them or what you did to them.”

I call this the 4-2 Principle.  When you spend your days walking the hallways of your school asking the question: What can I do for you instead of what can I do to you then you gain a lot of respect among your peers in the big picture. I think we would all agree that we would rather be remembered in a positive way, and if that is the case why would anyone bully another human being. Are some people just bad?  Are some people just “born to bully”? I don’t think that is the case, but I do believe that people get a reward for bullying in the short-term (little picture). The bully thinks in the “Little Picture”.  When a bullying behavior is initiated there is almost always some cheering, laughing and approval from bystanders. Bullying has its’ own little picture or immediate gratification reward. This immediate gratification from bystanders gives the bully a reason to bully again as a way to up their social status among their peers.  In my assemblies after I have defined bullying, and students have seen that most of us have been guilty of bullying on some level I ask the question, “What happens to you internally after you have had some time to think about your behavior?” Most students agree that they are saddled with the pain of regret from their actions. You might think this doesn’t make any sense, if I regret my actions why would I ever bully again? The reward for short term status is VERY powerful. If we get a reward, even if we know that we will regret it later, most people will continue to seek the reward.

Big Picture Thinking is much more difficult and the reward is not as immediate or as intensely satisfying in the short term.  Let’s face it being kind and respectful is not as dramatic or as intense as being negative. Sure you might get a thank-you or a pat on the back but it as not nearly as exciting as the reward that comes from a group of people coming together through the pain of another individual. Couple that with all of the negative behaviors that we see in the media and the act of gaining status through cutting another person to the ground being positive just doesn’t seem to be the behavior of choice.

How do we get students to buy into Big Picture Thinking?

In my assemblies I challenge students to realize that you will leave some type of legacy in your school. You will be remembered, the question is: How will you be remembered?  In the short term, getting students to commit to being positive is fairly easy. Let’s face it most people get it when it comes to understanding that they want others to see them in a positive light.  The challenge becomes how do we continue to make positive choices when we are further removed from positive influences. This becomes the role of student leadership training in our schools. We must address positive behaviors on a regular basis and take on the challenge of making it a regular part of our culture. If we leave it up to chance the culture will almost always go negative. Did you read “Lord of the Flies?” That is what happens. The hallways of our schools has become the “Lord of the Flies”.  We can’t leave it up to chance. We must make a continuous effort to have our coaches, teachers, organizational leaders, student councils, bus drivers, cooks, and custodians be on a mission of always reminding students to think in the big picture. The point is we need to address it. My suggestion is to begin with an assembly to address the issues, get your athletes and student councils together to regularly discuss what they are seeing duing student free time. Get your student leaders to commit to a positive social media presence. (That is, if it is not clean powerful and positive don’t post it).  Teach your students to act with courage when they see negative behaviors. If one person has the courage to intervene the negative behavior can be curbed.  Give your students ownership about the direction of their school and the quality of their school experience.

1. Live with a smile on your face and love in your heart: It is amazing how a smile can make a positive difference on our day, how we feel about others and how others feel about you. Allowing yourself to smile more often is a great place to begin when making positive life changes.

2. Make each session of anything better than the last session you just finished: Camp is all about improvement, and focusing on getting better everyday. We are vigilant on improvement. Since there are four camps a summer the focus is always on getting better. Each year we work at making the next year better than the last year. By focusing on continuous improvement as an organization the individuals always find room to grow.

3. If someone is hanging back, encourage them: Camp is a great place because the small group leaders, the state officers and the staff are always finding ways to encourage others. What if we lived our lives always looking for ways to help others move upward and onward.

4. Don’t use the “H” word and the “T” word they only bring others down: (I am whispering this: “H”=Hot and “T” = Tired and we don’t use those words at camp) Choosing to not use those words at camp is a fun little game we play because we understand that the language we use has a powerful impact on our surroundings. We will be more productive when we focus on the opportunity instead of on the negative aspects of the situation.

5. Give Hugs:

6. Let others have the glory every chance you get:  Let’s face it we live in a very “Me” centered culture and by spreading the glory to others we create ownership for others. When people feel ownership they are committed to making things better.

7. Be humble and they will remember you in positive ways after you leave: It is much easier to live with a humble person than an ego driven personality.

8. Playing in water brings people together: A really “cool” (pun intended) part of Alumni Camp is the water olympics. I wish that you could see it. It is a major production, and there is so much laughter and fun. It is a simple idea, but it makes a powerful impact on the camp, and the participants!

9. You never know when someone really important might be sitting next to you: Since we don’t really know, doesn’t it make sense to treat everyone with respect.

10. It doesn’t matter who wins as much as who you become while you are playing: In a world obsessed with winning it would do us all good to focus on “who am I becoming” in the midst of the madness. When our focus is on becoming men and women of character, winning kind of takes a back seat. Not saying that we should strive to be our best. Camp is all about bringing your best self to the program everyday. However, if we disrespect others in the process by “trash talking” and “pumping our ego” what did we really win? Learning to win and lose with character and grace is the mark of a true champion.

11. Start off each day with lots of energizers: At camp we are very purposeful about how we start our day. We regard everyday as important and since amazing things are going to happen today it is important that we get ourselves going. Every day is special every day is unique, today your life might be changed, so it makes sense that we should get energized for today!

12. End each day sitting in a circle talking with people you care about: A huge piece of camp is “small group time” during this time campers go through a curriculum designed to teach leadership and respect for others. It is pretty cool to see how close the campers get with each other as a result of this experience. During this time a renewed appreciation for the individual arises as a result of people talking and listening to each other. In this day and age of electronic connectivity the power of face to face interaction is often over looked. What would happen in our personal lives if we spent a little time each day, giving value to others by practicing the art of listening. Leaders Listen!

13. Use yes sir, no sir, yes mam, no mam, Mr., Mrs., please and thank-you. It shows respect and the world needs more of it. I am always so pleased by the amount of respect I see teens at camp giving to adults and to each other.

14. Take a little time each day to reflect upon our wonderful country.  The flag raising and flag lowering ceremonies at camp are a site to behold. When you see 400 teens standing around the flag pole in absolute silence, reflecting on what it means to be an American it will give you a renewed since and hope for our country.

15. It is amazing who we become when we are put in a clean, powerful and positive environment: Expectations create amazing outcomes. At camp there is an expectation about how people behave, about how people interact and about how people work together. The expectation is that teens will be respectful, look out for each other and participate at a high level. That is exactly what happens, the run into sessions to fill the front rows, they get involved in the program, they interact with enthusiasm, and all of this leads to a great camp experience!

16. Send Happy Grams: Happy Grams are hand written notes given out to campers by campers, small group leaders, state officers and the staff. The rule of Happy Grams is that they are clean, powerful and positive and you can give one to anyone. It is amazing what a few simple words of encouragement can do to help us get through the challenges in our lives. The great thing about Happy Grams is that you don’t need a yellow slip of paper to send one. You can send one anytime. You could write a short note today to someone you care about letting them know you noticed their kindness, attention to detail or thier smile. Try it! You don’t need to be at camp to make a difference in someones life!

17. Give Thanks before each meal, and always thand the hands that prepared it and those that produced it.

18. Share your “Great Moments” and successes at the end of each day, and reflect upon what you can improve upon.

19. We are blessed to be a blessing to others: Yes, you heard it right…you are blessed to be a blessing! Be grateful that today you have an opportunity to help, encourage and support. The act of being a blessing for others blesses you!

20. Saying good-bye is never easy. The coolest part about camp is that campers don’t want to go home. There are always tears on the last day of camp. It is often hard to say good-bye to new friends. People get close, relationships are forged and the way we know the experience was special is because of what we feel in our heart when it is time to go.

1. Send home a permission slip and envelop with your freshman or sophomores telling them your students are attending the annual “class development retreat”. Tell them the outcomes of the retreat. “We are doing this to develop leadership, set class goals, and to support your students in having a quality high school experience by ending bullying behaviors and developing class traditions. The suggested donation for this event is $10 to cover snacks, drinks and lunch. If you don’t donate your child will still be able to attend.” They send back the permission slip in the envelop and most parents will send the $10.

1. Ask local businesses to sponsor the event. You might even be able to get a pizza place to donate the pizzas for the day. If you get can get 4-$250 donations you cut the cost dramatically. If you have a vendor like Coke or Pepsi that has machines in your school ask them to sponsor the drinks for the day, or ask for monetary donation from them. See if you can get some of the clubs or organizations in your school to set aside some dollars to fund the event. Often times organizations like FFA, FCCLA, HOSA, DECA or Skills USA would be happy to kick in a few hundred dollars to help sponsor leadership development training.

1. Work with a local presenter or speaker. In my next blog post I will talk about working with a local presenter, and who you should hire to maximize this initiative. Just make sure they are a quality presenter because not hiring a professional who does not have the skills to engage an audience will defeat your initiative.

1. Make it an annual event and at the end of day 1-year 1 ask the speaker to ask the class. “Was today a valuable experience for you?” If the speaker did a great job most will say, “Yes”. Have them ask, “Do you think next years class should have this experience as well?” “Would you like to sponsor next years training for next years class? This could be a gift that you could give to them, and each class can continue to pay it forward for the next class.” Their first initiative would be a fundraiser they could do for paying for the training for next years class. Let them decide what to do, and remember regardless of what they raise it will help defer the cost of the training for next year. By the way, leadership initiatives like this support students in using the skills they learned at the training and it becomes a reminder of what they learned at the event.

When you do the four above things it will help you defer the cost of the event, but back to my original question. “What is the cost of doing a class development leadership retreat?” The real cost of doing a leadership retreat comes when we fail to do anything to develop the leaders in our school. By choosing to do nothing to develop leaders you are likely to leave leadership up to chance. Some years you will have leadership and some years you will have a void. If you don’t develop leaders early you will pay the price in discipline referrals, vandalism, drama, dealing with student drop-out (if you keep one student in school you have paid for the price of the retreat), and much more. The real key is to make sure you have a system in place for developing leadership in your school. By developing student leaders when they first enter your school you develop a tradition. By doing it every year as a class development project you will get the opportunity to relay the traditions and expectations of how people will treat each other in your school so they can maximize their high school experience. All this being said, I can tell you that having a quality person who leads this retreat is paramount in your success! I will cover that in my next blog post!

Top 10 Things I Learned at the Union High School Retreat

10. When faculty members just jump in and get involved with the students without having to be coaxed it makes a huge difference in the fun factor and the student learning. It also sends a message that this is so important and so much fun that everyone is getting involved!

9. Two days of hearing students talk positively about their school is refreshing and it gives me hope about the future of our education!

8. Students want to be involved in creating positive school environments and they need to be led there by powerful examples.

7. When mutual respect is a priority it becomes the norm.

6. When a school gives value to its’ students those students will freely want to give back to their school.

5. Be humble. Don’t seek credit for successful initiatives. We all got where we are today because … We are all standing on the shoulders of giants.

4. When placed in a leadership role we need to inspect what we expect.

3. Positive leadership is not that complicated. It is not being the boss, or being in charge…Leadership is Service! When we lead with a humble heart and a willingness to give people what they need we will capture excellence.

2. Obstacles create opportunities to adjust. In this life we have reasons or results results are more powerful and more fun!

1. None of the above happens by accident. It all happens by design and by being purpose driven. Denise Vaniadis and the administrators and staff at Tulsa Union High School expect excellence and that is what happens daily at their school.

“Stand-Up” is also a metaphor for the importance of standing up for what is right, standing up for justice, standing for others, and taking a stand and being recognized for your beliefs.

“Sit-Down” is an opportunity to reflect, to draw on wisdom, to listen, and to be patient.

“Fight, Fight, Fight”. Notice there are three fights. Not just fight, but fight, fight, fight! Resilience is an important part of leadership. Learn to make mistakes, adjust, figure out what works, adjust and keep adjusting until we get our result. “If at first you don’t succeed…Stop, Adjust and Go For It Again.” (As many of you have heard me say so many times.)

Lean to the left, Lean to the Right, Stand-Up, Sit-Down, Fight, Fight, Fight!!!